Mental illness...to this day, those words have a stigma attached. You just don't talk about it. It's still thought of as shameful, embarrassing and humiliating. But it's real. It's there. It's hard to blog about...or is it? I find that I can put things into text, instead of just verbalizing because I can hit the backspace and just rid myself of the wrong stuff and reword what needs to be said.
After a long discussion with my husband, and some research and information gathering, I have finally gone to see my doctor. I have been diagnosed with Dysthymic Depression. In simpler terms, I have moderate depression with anxiety issues. The Dysthymia is a bit different than a deep depression because even though the symptoms are not as severe, they last longer. Years to tell you the truth.
What's that? You want to know the symptoms?? I can tell you a few that I personally am dealing with on a daily basis. I can't sleep well. I wake up frequently and am very restless. I can't feel happy for others and don't want to be around them and have to pretend. I don't want to do anything. I don't care about anything. I dread going to work even though I really like my bosses and most of the people I work with. Low self esteem and feeling inadequate. Always sad or irritable...not to mention the physical pain. There are more...but you are getting the general idea.
I think what bothers me the most, is there are still people who don't believe, or understand anything about what a depressed person goes through. I would never wish these feelings on anyone and there are no words to describe how badly a person can feel. All I can hope is they read this, understand what I am saying, and maybe understand me a little more.
I think my family genetics have a lot of play in this. From things I have read online and with information from online forums, Depression and anxiety problem can be inherited. No, this doesn't make me angry or sad. It makes me love my family even more. It makes me sympathize a bit more because I couldn't understand fully what it was like to feel hopeless, helpless and not know who to talk to. And they understand what I am going through right now.
The anxiety has been chalked up to work. I am not sure that some people can understand, unless they have had experience in food service, how stressful working in a restaurant can be. You have to be happy ALL the time, even when you have the worst customers ever. It's difficult to take 2 minutes for a bathroom break, you don't always get to sit down and eat a meal, you have to multi-task like a fiend and get along with all of your coworkers no matter whether you like them or not.
I know there are a lot of you who know me personally and might be thinking "Oh Reesa...you are always such a funny person...you aren't depressed." Well kids, guess what...I am in customer service. I act. A lot. and some days it wears me to the point of exhaustion to have to act happy and try to be fun and entertaining.
So, with that being said...I told myself I would tell only people who I am close to at work about this. Then I realized, that Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness has been shoved into a corner for too long. Yes, I am sick. But with help, I will get better! I will get better with the love and support of my family, my friends and support of my doctor.
And a little help from Zoloft too.
